mt

rupsidaisy:

plucking your eyebrows is legitimately very stressful because you pull out one wrong hair and it’s game over

redriyo:

autasha:

image

MY FAVORITE THING FROM ANY COMIC

finally the USA media reporting accurately

ofgeography:

so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!

here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.

sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—

here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

  • it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.

so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

  • you have to pay for pay per view.

so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

  • AS A FAMILY.

and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

"i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?"

as a reminder, a quick table survey:

  • my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
  • my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
  • my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
  • me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography

silence.

my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

silence.

my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

  • WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?

"don’t expose my kid to that crap."

  • DON’T
  • EXPOSE
  • MY KID
  • TO THAT CRAP

"if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room."

  • I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
  • IN THE LIVING ROOM

but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

  • are you fucking kidding
  • i did not want to go to porn prison

the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

  • my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
  • my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences
  • my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences

but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

  • are you fucking kidding
  • this is the best thing i’ve ever done

incomprehensiblelentils:

STOP BEING CUTE RIGHT NOW

jessicachastains:

twofishies:

lightspeedsound:

all-the-fangirl-feels:

#remember how this movie took female stereotypes and crushed them into a million pieces

casual reminder that Elle Woods scored a 179 on the LSAT, which is one point shy of a perfect score.

Casual reminder that Whatshisface here had family connections and was a legacy and shit, whereas Elle Woods came out of nowhere.

casual reminder that Elle Woods actually had an amazing background in real life issues that people dismissed as unimportant but managed to not only learn the law, but learned how to apply the law.

Casual reminder that Elle Woods used her lawyer skills to save a woman from an abusive relationship and also save another woman from trumped up murder charges and basically what I’m saying is you go, girl, go get ‘em Elle Woods, thank you for this movie.

what’s fantastic about this movie is that it’s not that fucked up brand of feminism where the girls who arent like other girls and sip tea and read hemingway look down on the blonde party sluts. the message of the movie is like, you can be blonde and attractive AND enjoy stuff like shopping and partying and you can still be smart and kick ass!!!

iamthekingofsassgard:

bucketchallenge:

Robert Pattinson

i caNT BREATHE

screwsociety:

lame-waves:

i guess i recorded an ice bucket challenge today after i got my wisdom teeth out ??

"I’M BLEEDING….. that’s okay i can still do it"

tenth doctor in every episode

megablaziken:

what

megablaziken:

what

voldemo:

"your password is weak"

You’re the weak one
And you’ll never know love, or friendship
And I feel sorry for you

#omf#hp#queue

trippiest:

what a beautiful day to not be in high school

marshmallowfluffwoman:

Normalize fat women’s bodies. Normalize public breastfeeding. Normalize home births and midwives and reproductive autonomy. Normalize body hair on women.
Reject the notion that women are to be regulated and controlled and pressured to conform to societal standards.

theanti90smovement:

very small dog? puppy

very big dog? puppy

very young dog? puppy

very old dog? puppy

puppy? puppy